Scouting the Ms. Teen USA Combine

Scouting the Ms. Teen USA Combine

Is there any better way to waste a Monday night than by watching a group of preening teenage beauty queens talk about how much they want to change the world when every guy watching knows that in a few short months little Ms. Hometown Girl will be doing unspeakable acts of depravity at the nearest frat house? Every girl on last night’s Ms. Teen USA telecast (and that includes Aaron Carter) goes to incredible lengths to prove just how wholesome they are. Every girl volunteers at an orphanage. Every girl’s hero is her mom or dad. Every girl knows someone who has succumbed to the allure of alcohol or drugs and is determined to teach children to “just say no.”

And every girl up there is lying their finely muscled ass off.

But everyone lies during interviews. As far as I’m concerned the girls in the Ms. Teen USA Pageant are no different than potential NBA or NFL draft picks. I doubt that Adam “Pac Man” Jones told Jeff Fischer and the Titans’ management that he planned to go on a barnstorming bar-brawling tour of the south before reporting to training camp.

Interviews are just one part of the scouting process in the NFL. The most significant scouting takes place at the combine in Indianapolis when NFL scouts poke, prod and blood test every potential draft pick.

And that is what the Ms. Teen USA Pageant really is: A Combine of Really Hot Girls. Since I have some experience working with Scouts, Inc. I felt more than qualified to break down the 2005 Girls and by God, if someone has to be the Mel Kiper of hot girls, I’ll bite the bullet.

When breaking down the girls, I looked at several factors. Like any NBA general manager, I was concerned about potential. Did the girl still have some growing to do? Did she have a body that could handle silicon? What did her swimsuit and gown choices say about her morals?

I tempered the importance of potential with a Bill Belichick-like focus on finding girls that could help me now. Were there girls who were standouts right now? Was there a girl who was already performing well at the world’s oldest profession at the high school level?

Like a lot of general managers, I completely disregarded the other expert opinions. I doubt that before he makes a draft pick that Scott Pioli calls up John Clayton and asks him what he thinks of the player. I’m no different. The motley collection of judges in no way influenced my decision-making. Of the seven judges, I think that five were just random people they pulled off the streets and gave fake names. The only two I recognized were Kathy Hilton, whose womb is a slut-making factory, and Lou Pearlman, whose expertise I would have accepted if this was the Mr. Teen USA Pageant.

Finally, I broke down each girl’s physical makeup and intangibles. From a physical standpoint, I was, not unexpectedly, looking for a hot girl. Big surprise there. Intangibles- I started with her favorite movie and food. Then I looked at two major statistics: how slutty were her swimsuit and gown.

After two hours, I had my Top 10 and here they are, complete with pictures, of course.

10. Ms. Michigan (Catherine Laurion) 5’11”- Michigan has a solid physical makeup but her look is more runway model than classic hot girl. Her height is a concern. She claims to be 5’11” but just like the NBA, I give height measurements for players both in and out of shoes. I have to consider that in anything close to a heel, Michigan is going to be pushing 6’2”. Another negative was her evening gown selection I was unimpressed. However, her choice of Oreos as her favorite food was a big plus in my book as was her look in her swimsuit.

9. Ms. Connecticut (Jennifer Brooks) 5’3”- Until I saw Ms. Connecticut last night, I was pretty sure that the only thing decent to come out of Bristol was ESPN’s feed. But I like CT’s potential. I equate scouting girls from New England to trying to scout high school baseball players from New England. For both girls and ball players, the scouting season is very short. For baseball, scouts have from about May until July to study their prospects. The season for scouting girls in New England is equally short, from late June to early September. I give CT credit for being able to look good even though she has to deal with nine months of winter.

8. Ms. North Carolina (Nikki Groat) 5’9”- Any chance that Groat is somehow related to former Duke two sport standout Dick Groat? You have to like good bloodlines. An area of concern for me was the evening gown. I wasn’t a fan. But NC has some serious potential. She’s 5’9” and about 75-pounds so she should fill out a bathing suit nicely in the future. She could develop into the Dirk Nowitzki of this draft.

7. Ms. Nevada (Kelli Crossley) 5’1”- You have to like any girl coming out of Nevada. Tremendous potential. Though she is undersized, her height really isn’t a concern. No one will be mistaking her for Charla from Amazing Race. She’s well-proportioned and looks like she could add some pounds in all the right places which shouldn’t be a problem because whatever team drafts her will make sure her conditioning improves.

6. Ms. California (Stephanie Brink) 5’8”- I was slightly disappointed that this was the best California could do. Though Ms. Cali is no slouch, I really think that California was capable of much better. This is like a NFL Draft where Miami’s first pick is a lineman at the end of Round 1. However, even though she doesn’t measure up to the great Ms. California’s of yesteryear, she is still a first round talent. Solid swimsuit look.

5. Ms. Idaho (Alyssa Sams) 5’6”- Ms. Idaho is the O.J. Mayo of this draft. She has tremendous upside. At only 15 (and if the federal authorities are investigating me, every thing I’ve written is really just one big joke. Ha-ha), Idaho is going to be a force to be reckoned with once she turns pro. Impressive work at the combine and you have to love her intangibles- favorite food- French fries.

4. Ms. Kansas (Latasha Laine Lawrie) 5’7”- The Mike Mamula of this combine. Wasn’t expecting much from Kansa but Lawrie blew away all the scouts. Evening gown competition set a combine record. I was impressed that she wasn’t afraid to come right out and let the scouts know that she was serious. And she followed up her remarkable work in the evening gown by putting in some solid work at swimsuits. Why isn’t she going higher? Both she and her dad like to hunt. Some GM will be brave enough to draft her but there are some red flags to worry about. No GM wants to answer a knock at this door and find some shotgun-wielding hick standing there.

3. Ms. West Virginia (Andrea Tuner) 5’6”- You don’t plan to draft someone out of West Virginia this high but Turner is a once-in-a-generation performer. Great work in both the evening gown and swimsuit workouts. But it is her intangibles that really set Ms. WVA apart. Favorite movie- Dumb and Dumber. Favorite food- pepperoni rolls. This is a girl you draft and feel comfortable sticking in the starting lineup for years to come.

2. Ms. Ohio (Allie LaForce) 5’8”- LaForce was the consensus number one coming into the combine. All the experts loved her (she actually took him the Ms. Teen title) and with good reason. She has great potential (she’s only 16), super intangibles (favorite song- Eye of the Tiger) and was near the top of the class in the evening gown and swimsuit. You couldn’t fault a GM for grabbing her number one. She’ll be a solid performer in the big leagues.

1. Ms. Virginia (Victoria Marie Hall Tori) 5’8”- The total package. At 18, she is ready to make a mark in her first professional season. She will be a starter from her first day in the league. Her work in the evening gown was simply spectacular. She is the Tim Duncan of the 2005 Draft, a future Hall of Famer who should be a force to be reckoned with for years to come.